I do not know who or what I am. At times I feel as if I lack
myself of a unique identity that would distinguish me from the rest of the
masses. I try to search for a reason for the existence of this random
spontaneous feeling of mine. I am unpredictable – when I am happy I might
appear to be the nicest person in the entire world but when I am sad I might be
the last person you would wish to be with. I am an incandescent sun emitting
brightness in every dark corner when I am in a jolly mood. I am the radiance of
melancholy when I am thinking about the world and all the worldly things living
in it. In my entire life, that one feeling which troubles me the most is the
realization of my existence as a human being living on this planet. It’s not at
all related to any pessimistic outlook towards life but it is solely related to
the essence of realization of existence. If you ever close your eyes and wonder
whether you are still alive, the first question that comes to your mind is why
exactly I am doing this. But then you decide to ignore that question and
proceed to explore further into your thoughts. You think about the thing that
you want the most in the world, and immediately after that succumb to the
thought of your inability to acquire it. Next, you think about why you would
fail to acquire that thing and start to enlist the flaws in yourself and your
personality. When the list grows bigger, you start feeling like a loser in
life, that just because you could not acquire that thing you would not be able
to do anything in your life. You try to prison yourself in dark curtains of
oblivion and proceed to think about a prosperous future ahead hoping that you
could pull something off in your later stage of life like a late bloomer. But
even after this optimistic bit of thinking, the previous thought strikes at you
again, this time it is harder to ignore it and this is the stage where you give
up to yourself. Now you cannot think at all and you feel as if you are stranded
in the middle of a deep blue ocean with the waves soaring high approaching you
from all the sides. You want to escape but you know that you can’t. The water
starts rushing in and hits you hard. You are now sinking into the depth
struggling to go back to the surface of water. You keep on trying constantly
but you eventually fail. You know soon within seconds you are about to die, bid
goodbye to this world, your friends, your foes, your parents, and everyone
around you. You try to hold your breath as long as you can. This can be
compared to you thinking that one day you will be able to acquire that thing
which you wanted the most in your life. But after seconds when you are about to
finish that last breath of yours, you realize that you are about to die. This
can be thought of as your inability to acquire that thing even in the future
when you are a whole lot better close to perfect. Your last breath finishes and
then you feel the kick. You open your eyes as fast as you can and look around
yourself. You see the world is the same as it was before you closed your eyes.
You feel your hands, your face and then you feel yourself breathing as hard as
you could possibly ever had done before. You breathe in a sigh of relief but
then you ponder upon the thoughts of trying to comprehend this entire scenario.
You look into the sky and wonder what’s going on. You do not get an answer (and
you never will). The reality is that there exists no reason for your existence
but the only thing that exists here is you. This is where you realize that you
are actually alive and living as a human being on this earth. This entire
experience is really haunting but then it’s a matter of time you move on to
momentarily forget about all this just to escape from the eeriness of your
failure to justify your own existence. I live in reality, reality is my best
friend. He troubles me a lot and plays games with my mind making me hurt my
head and think a lot about things I am not even supposed to think about. But
then he keeps me awake and safe from the illusionary dream where without him
otherwise I would had been doomed to eternity.
